All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
