Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
