I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
