I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
