i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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