I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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