My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
