the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
