A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
