Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
