I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
