Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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