im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
