Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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