I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
