i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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