My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
