I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
