So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
