I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
