I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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