Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
