totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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