I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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