so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
