Whoa Z and x make the same sound
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
