just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
