I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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