The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
