nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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