Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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