My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
