At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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