what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
