I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
