I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
