Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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