I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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