I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
