The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
