Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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