I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
