I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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