ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
