I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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