shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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