You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
