im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
