I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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