I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
